Nope - marriage is not supposed to make you happy. That is the fallacy most everyone that pursues marriage falls into.
Marriage was never designed to make anyone happy. Marriage was designed to complete and complement each-other.
Happiness, though it comes from “happenings,” still does nothing particular to a marriage relationship. Marriage is not made up of special events to bring happiness in one’s life.
Marriage is composed of two lives creating a meaningful and purposeful life with a by-product of happiness.
Let me explain.
When you got married you were ecstatic on your wedding day and out of your mind on your wedding night.
Sure, happiness was the agenda of the day. But then, a few days, weeks, months and years went by causing the “happiness” to fade away – didn’t it?
Oh sure, you’d have a few happy moments, but the actual happiness of marriage seems to have vanished.
Why is that?
Because though you’d find happiness in your marriage, yet, marriage isn’t for you to be happy. Marriage is to make your spouse complete and thus generating happiness.
Nothing brings more joy to a marriage relationship than the sense of completeness in its fulfillment and authenticity of its existence.
Though my wife to be and I took classes and attended seminars, as well as pre-marital counseling, we still didn’t have a good handle on this.
Sometime after we got married – about 5 years into our marriage we realized that though we were happily married, yet our happiness seemed incomplete because we still didn’t even understand each other clearly. You know what I’m talking about?
We talked, but we couldn’t really communicate well. Consequently, our marriage had a flaw that was driving us both up a wall without enough traction. You follow me?
It wasn’t until we came across a book called: The Five Love Languages Of Marriage by Gary Chapman. To me, that was a title that actually caused a great deal of skepticism - to tell you the truth.
I didn’t want to believe that there was a “language” or some “tricky thing to say” to this marriage thing in order to be enjoyable.
Boy was I wrong!
Thankfully, my wife started to read it, and once she told me what it was about, I took it off her hands and started reading it to the end.
We began to apply the principles therein, and our marriage went to a whole nother dimension.
You see, we learned that our love languages were totally different. My wife’s love language was that of touch and affirmation. On the other hand, mine was acts of service.
So every time I wanted to show my wife my love for her, I did stuff around the house, or I would take some of her responsibilities to make her job as a wife and mother easier. To me that was showing her genuine love – I thought - but not in her language.
On the other hand, she would touch me, hold my hand and affirmed me with her love by telling me how much she loved me and how happy she was to be my wife – you know, kind of flirtatious at times, but neither one of us was getting it.
She somehow thought I didn’t love her like I used to and I thought she was weird doing all her stuff as if I was insecure of her love for me.
Once we read this book, we both realized that we were talking two completely different love languages and neither of us was able to understand each other.
As soon as I learned her language her confidence, assurance and establishment of my love for her experienced a growth spurt. This developed into a perpetual love growth that I can’t explain in one article.
Our love language growth and understanding helped us realize that we were created to complete each other – not the other way around. Does that make sense to you?
Let me tell you what I told her two weeks after were married. I looked at her square into her eyes and said: “I didn’t marry you for you to change or become more than what you already are. I like you just the way you are. That’s why I married you. Just know that I married you to serve you.”
Yeah sweet – right! She was stunned and awestruck to say the least. And I meant every word.
Did I keep that promise? Well, I thought I was until I realized that I was showing her my love in a whole different language that made me look like a liar, inconsistent and uncaring at times.
Sometimes I’d blame her for misunderstanding my clear communication skills, when in reality, I was just speaking a different language she was not familiar with and vice-versa.
Mind you, we’re not the arguing type. We’ve probably argued a handful of times in our last 27 years of marriage. Arguments were not an option in my book. I know what happens every time you argue, and I wasn’t about to go there.
Her heart was sacred to me and my heart was to be kept soft towards her.
I wanted to love my wife and vice-versa, but we were just on two opposite continents in our languages.
One of the things that destroys marriages is the expectation of the one to make the other happy. Truth is your responsibility as a husband or a wife is to make your spouse happy by speaking the same love language and by completing them.
Most of the time us husbands expect our wives to be nothing more than an addition to our manliness, as if we’re already complete.
Their purpose (subconsciously) to do our laundry, cook our meals and please us whenever we want to – so many think. That, my friend, is a very erroneous outlook on marriage.
God created woman because man was incomplete, (easy guys) by the same token, He would've never created the woman if man didn't need her.
God was not about to give the woman the weight of responsibility designed for man in the first place.
God knew exactly what he was doing when he decided to create male and female, man and woman – which was to complete and complement each other – thus the secret to happiness in a marriage.
The marriage relationship is a sacred establishment. Within its vision, you find that it's designed to be the missing piece in a person’s life that makes up the other.
I’ve learned that my life was not given to me for me to enjoy – it was given to me to give it to my wife for her to enjoy. In the process both her and I find joy and happiness in the completion and authenticity of our marriage relationship.
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